Do You Still Feel the Butterflies
by thefarmerswifewrites
Summary: Follow up to The One Thing That Stays Mine. I felt like it deserved an ending


It was a lazy Sunday afternoon. I sat in the recliner, trying to get comfortable. The apartment was hot, despite Sam's silent protest. He was covered up on the couch with at least three blankets. It was possible the hormones and forty pounds of baby weight were having a negative effect on my body chemistry, but I refused to acknowledge it. I was nearly a week past my due date now and everyone around me knew better than to argue with me. Hence Sam's blanket mountain.

My phone buzzed on the table beside me. Yet another message from Bucky. _I never should've left. It's going to be today. I'll be back as soon as I can._

I replied It _won't be today. Nothing is happening. Don't worry about it. Focus on your job and come home. This kid needs a father._

It was harsh, but it was what he needed to hear. He was more devoted to this baby than I'd ever seen anyone devoted to anything. Sometimes I teased him about not caring about me anymore. That really got him going. But I loved every second of the attention he gave me, gave us. It wasn't something I was used to, and Bucky wasn't used to having someone to love. Sometimes we got overwhelmed by it. We would fight and immediately regret it. Bucky especially. I tried to go easy on him, but sometimes the hormones got the best of me. He understood. He was so good to me it brought tears to my eyes. I didn't deserve him. And he deserved better than what I could give him. Thankfully he didn't see it that way.

The baby kicked and I groaned as I shifted in the chair. Sam moved on the couch. "Is it time? I'm awake. Let's move."

"It's not time," I reassured him. "Go back to sleep."

"Are you sure they got your due date right? It doesn't seem like this kid is ever coming out." He rolled over and looked at me.

I glared at him. "How do you think I feel?"

He laughed. "I really don't know. I haven't known a lot of pregnant women."

"You're lucky. You probably wouldn't have survived very long around any of them."

"Ha ha." He threw a pillow at me but missed by a few feet.

"You don't have to babysit me, you know," I reminded him for the hundredth time.

"Yeah, I know. But I promised Bucky I would. And if he finds out I left you alone, he'll probably go all winter solider on my ass." Sam rolled over to his back and dug around until he found the remote. He turned on the tv and flipped through the channels. He stopped on a news story about a group of terrorists the Avengers had been sent to track down. Sam looked at me and changed the channel. "Sorry."

"No, I'm sorry. You're stuck here with me when you should be with them," I said. "However, it's not my fault you tripped over a curb trying to impress a woman and broke your arm."

"Hey, no regrets," he said with a laugh. "She gave me her number."

"Because she felt sorry for you. And she probably thought you'd sue her. Did she ever return your call?"

"We have plans this week, _thankyouverymuch_."

"Good for you. Seriously. I mean it. I hope it works out. You deserve to be happy. Everyone deserves to be as happy as Bucky and I are. And now...the baby...it's all so..." I sobbed and wiped my face on the pillow in my lap. "I'm sorry. It's just..."

"Hormones, yes I know. Everybody knows." He rolled his eyes. "This will stop after the baby is born, right?"

"I hope so. I don't know how much more of this I can take. Which reminds me..." I began the process of getting myself out of the chair. It involved scooting to the edge and rocking the chair until I could stand up. Sam laughed instead of helping me and I flipped him off as I made my way to the bathroom. When I finished in there, I headed to the bedroom and sat down on the bed. I didn't like sleeping there without Bucky anyway, but I'd gotten to the point where I couldn't even get comfortable to sleep. My gigantic baby bump made it difficult to relax no matter what position I tried. I grabbed my long body pillow and headed back to my chair. I popped back the recliner and curled up with the pillow, imagining it was Bucky.

Sam woke me up in the middle of the night. My phone was going off non-stop and he couldn't sleep. I checked my messages. Bucky texted me several times to check in. Then Nat. Then Steve. As if I'd answer them before I answered Bucky. "Why didn't anybody call you?"

"They did," he answered. "My phone died."

"Jesus. Any minute now, the national guard is gonna roll up to the door." I sent out a group text to let them all know that it was nighttime and I'd been asleep like a normal person. I explained that Sam was dead because he'd called me fat and I'd thrown his body off a cliff. Bucky didn't think it was funny but he did apologize for forgetting about the time difference. I was awake now and couldn't go back to sleep. "Sam, are you awake?"

"I am now. Ice cream?"

"Ice cream. Wanna walk to the corner?" The 24-hour gas station on the corner had an ice cream machine. It was no secret that it had become my favorite place to visit.

"Yeah sure. Let's go." He threw his feet to the floor and stretched before he stood up. He stretched again and slipped on his shoes. He helped me with my shoes and then pulled me up out of the chair. "Damn girl, you fff...ine."

"I hate you." I punched his arm.

"Steve told me what you said. I was going to see if you'd actually follow through." He laughed.

"Don't tempt me."

"Then who would help you waddle down the stairs?" Another laugh.

"I swear to god, Sam. One more fat joke and I will cut you. Don't think I haven't learned anything from Bucky these last few months." He gave me a small knife and taught me a couple different ways to hurt someone without killing them. I wasn't sure why he thought I would need this knowledge because I rarely left the apartment by myself anymore. But I did feel a bit safer knowing the knife was always with me.

We walked to the corner in silence. I got a cup of chocolate ice cream with sprinkles and cookie pieces and hot fudge. Sam watched and didn't say a word. He even paid for it, apparently his way of making amends for the fat jokes. Instead of going back to the apartment, we walked around the block. It was a nice night. I had no idea what time it was, but I didn't care. I happily ate my ice cream and enjoyed Sam's silence.

"Thanks for putting up with me," I said after I finished my ice cream. "I know I've been a real pain in the ass."

"Believe me, I've put up with worse." He nudged me lightly and smiled.

"I bet the gas station lady thinks you and I are a couple. I've only ever been there by myself and with you. Bucky doesn't like to go in. People look at him like he's a criminal."

"If he'd cut his hair..."

"I know, right?" I laughed. "Oooof." I stopped and rubbed my bump. It wasn't pain, just discomfort. Possibly from walking. Possibly from the ice cream. I'd gotten used to heartburn and gas and kicks to the bladder, but this was different from all of that.

"You okay?" Sam asked as he took my arm and helped me stand upright. "Is this it?"

"No." I took a deep breath. "It passed. I think I just ate too much."

"Okay." He gave me a sideways glance. "You better tell me if anything changes."

"You have to report in every hour, don't you? He's making you send him updates." I rolled my eyes.

"Every half-hour." Sam laughed.

We walked around until the sun came up. We stopped for breakfast at the restaurant before heading back upstairs. Verna flirted with Sam relentlessly. She was only 30 years old than he was, but that didn't stop her. I left half of my omelette on the plate. I had to force down what I did eat. I knew Sam was watching me. I knew he was worried. I always finished my omelette. I didn't protest when he pulled out his phone, probably to text Bucky. I missed him suddenly and wanted him there more than anything.

"You wanna walk some more?" Sam asked. We stood in front of the door to the apartment. "Or you wanna go back home?"

"I think I'm ready for a nap."

"Nap it is." Sam unlocked the door and we headed back upstairs. Deep down I hoped Bucky would be there, ready to surprise me. But the apartment was empty. Sam headed back to the couch and found a movie to watch. I took a hot shower and got dressed. I wandered around the tiny apartment, picking up and rearranging things on shelves. Sam kept watching me, but I managed to hide my discomfort. I was sure they were contractions. They weren't painful and they went away. Then they'd come back. It was a cycle but there didn't seem to be a pattern. Yet.

Bucky sent a text to tell me they were in the air. I told him to hurry home because I missed him. I didn't mention any of the pains because I was sure Sam already did. I knew Sam was on to me. I could feel his eyes following me around the apartment. Every once in a while I would turn around quickly to make sure his little surveillance drone wasn't there. If it was, I didn't catch it.

I walked from the bedroom to the living room and Sam stood up. "You okay?" I felt a pop and there was a warm sensation down my leg. "Oh...oh! Shit, Harper! Shit!"

"I think my water just broke," I admitted like he hadn't witnessed it. Sam ran to the kitchen and grabbed a roll of paper towels. He threw the whole roll on the ground in a panic and led me to the bathroom. I cried as I tried to clean myself up and tell Sam where to find my clean pants. He helped me put them on despite my insistence that I could do it myself. Then he grabbed my bag and ushered me out the door. "My phone."

He unlocked the door and ran back inside. "Where is it?" He hollered.

"By my chair?"

Sam handed me the phone. "Anything else before I lock the door?" I shook my head and we headed down the stairs as fast as we could. He helped me get around the corner to the garage where the car was parked. Despite everything between them, Tony loaned us a car, just until the baby was born. It was a flashy sports car, totally Tony and completely impractical for us. We had kept it locked in the garage behind the building, waiting patiently for this moment. "Oh hell yes," Sam whispered as he looked at the car. "Buckle up, sweetheart."

"Now is not the time..." I winced in pain as a contraction came on, more painful than uncomfortable this time. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe. I focused on breathing. In and out. In and out. Then it passed. Sam helped me into the car and then ran around to the driver's side. He took a moment to enjoy it before he backed out and flew down the street. The hospital was just on the edge of town, only a twenty minute drive. We made it there in seven. Sam was talking to Bucky the whole time. He was enroute but was still a couple hours out. Even with all the technology at their disposal, Bucky couldn't get there any sooner. I wanted to talk to him. I needed to hear his voice telling me everything was okay and I could do this. I didn't want him to think I couldn't do it without him, just in case he didn't make it in time, though. When Sam tried to hand me the phone, I shook my head. It was hard to explain, but I knew it was better if I didn't talk to him.

Sam parked the car and helped me out. We burst into the emergency room and a nurse quickly helped me into a wheelchair. We took the elevator up and I was put in a delivery room. They checked my dilation and hooked me up to machines to monitor the baby. The contractions were coming stronger and more frequent. Sam held my hand and got me ice. He assured me Bucky was coming. I refused to have the baby without him there, but I realized the baby was going to do what it wanted when it wanted to do it. Bucky would be devastated that he missed it, but I figured he would eventually get over it. Maybe by the time the kid could talk.

My labor progressed quickly. I tried to stay calm. The nurse helped me through the contractions, offering ideas about how to lessen the pain. I appreciated her efforts, but I wanted to do it my own way. Not that my way was working any better, but it helped me deal if I could close my eyes and breathe. Poor Sam paced around nervously unsure of what to do. I knew he was in contact with Bucky the whole time. Again, I wanted to talk to Bucky, but I knew it would make him feel worse about not being there and I didn't want that.

The undeniable urge to push took over suddenly and I informed the nurses that the baby was coming. The doctor came in finally, ready to assist and everyone encouraged me to push. "Not without Bucky," I said through my tears.

"You have to push, Harper. He'll be here," Sam assured me.

I finally gave in and started to push. It was exhausting and excruciating and just when I thought I couldn't do it anymore, Bucky appeared in the doorway. He was still wearing his uniform, which made him look more handsome and a little intimidating. He quickly stripped down to a t-shirt and the nurse gave him a gown to wear. He took his place beside me and kissed my forehead. I cried and he whispered, "Thanks for waiting."

I laughed through the tears and the pain. The doctor cleared his throat and reminded us all why we were there. With Sam on one side and Bucky on the other, holding my hand, I pushed and screamed and pushed some more until suddenly there was a cry and a baby on my chest. I stared at the little ball of flesh and goo, elated and exhausted and completely overwhelmed by the experience. Bucky cut the umbilical cord and the doctor congratulated us on the birth of our son. He cried and I could tell everyone in the room was surprised to see someone who looked so tough on the outside turn out to be so soft inside. I loved it that I got to share that side of him with everyone else.

The nurses began the process of weighing and measuring and checking to make sure all toes and fingers were accounted for. I just laid there in a state of exhaustion I had never experienced before. The only thing I knew for sure was that I was willing to go through that a hundred more times if Bucky was always there beside me. I watched him with adoration as he fussed over the baby with the nurses. Sam took pictures and let the team know the baby had arrived.

Finally, after what felt like forever, the nurses placed the tiny swaddled bundle in my arms. I cried again as I stared at the perfect little face. The room slowly cleared out and quiet took over. Bucky sat beside me on the bed with his arm around me. "What are we going to name him?" I asked. We had discussed it at length, but never made a final decision.

"Whatever you decide."

"I think we should call him James."

"Really?" he asked.

"Why do you sound so surprised?"

"I don't know." He smiled. "I guess I didn't realize you even knew my real name."

"That's very funny. Do you realize what I just went through? I may be exhausted, but I could still kick your ass if I had to." He leaned down, whispered 'I love you' and kissed the side of my head, a move he often reserved for moments when I threatened him with violence.

"James is good," he said. "How about James Steven?" I was not surprised that he would want to name the baby after his best friend.

"Can he have two middle names? I feel like Sam should get some credit for all the crap he had to deal with from me." I thought about it. "James Steven Samuel Barnes."

"Perfect," he said. Then he added, "But it's not fair for him to have my last name if you don't."

A lump rose in my throat, but I swallowed it down. "We can talk about that later."

We sat in silence and stared at little James as he fussed and slept in my arms. Despite several attempts to pass him over, Bucky refused to hold him. He wouldn't talk about it, but I figured he was afraid. He'd never been around babies before. And even though his mind had been unscrambled and put back together, I knew he sometimes still didn't trust himself. Like at any moment he could somehow slip back into the hold of the winter solider. I didn't know how holding an infant could trigger such a change, but I didn't push it. If he wasn't comfortable with it, I wasn't going to question him.

Later, after we'd been moved to a room, I got a nap and a meal and I started to feel like a normal person again. I was completely overwhelmed by feeding and diapering and learning things I felt like I should have been more prepared for. Bucky never left my side. He alternated between staring adoringly at James and then at me. He kept apologizing for missing most of it and I finally told him to stop. He made it in time and that was all that mattered. He promised to be there the whole time for the next one.

Bucky slept in the room with me that night on a pullout couch. I tried to sleep. The nurses assured me it was normal to send James to the nursery so I could rest. I still felt guilty about it and asked them to bring him back in. Sometime in the middle of the night, I awoke to the sound of tiny cries. I didn't move right away and watched as Bucky got up slowly and stood over the small crib. He reached out his hand and touched James' cheek before finally deciding to take him in his arms. My heart swelled as I watched him gently rock back and forth.

"Hey little guy," he said softly. "It's okay. I'm your daddy. You've got the best mom in the world but I'm probably going to screw this parenting thing up so bad. I promise to do my best though. I promise I'll always take care of you and be there for you and your mom. I love you both more than you will ever know." James cooed a little in response and I pretended to be asleep as Bucky carried him over and placed him beside me on the bed. "I think somebody's hungry," he whispered.

"You can go downstairs to the cafeteria by yourself," I said without opening my eyes.

"I'm glad you haven't lost your sense of humor through all this." He kissed my forehead.

"Give me a week of sleepless nights and then we'll see how funny I am." I sat up and took James in my arms. He yawned and I smiled. "Same, kid."

Bucky laughed lightly and watched as I made an attempt to feed James. When I was nearly in tears because I thought I was failing, Bucky went to get a nurse. She helped me figure out how to hold him so that we were both comfortable. She showed me how to help him get started. Bucky watched silently from across the room, taking it all in.

When the nurse was gone and James was sleeping again, Bucky placed him gently back in the crib. He sat down beside me on the bed and took me in his arms. He held me a long time before he said, "I love you so much."

"I love you too." He kissed the side of my head and we fell asleep.


End file.
